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The Incomplete Worlds Of Billy Shakespeare | BillyShakespeare.com: It's like Shakespeare...only in English.

Billy Plays With Himself

one-act plays

Madam, I’m Adam

Dramatis Personae

GOD, the first God

ADAM, the first man

EVE, the first woman

Two men converse in a lush meadow surrounded by trees and foliage. One sits fully clothed atop a rock. This is GOD in human form. The other walks slowly around the rock stark naked. This is ADAM, the first human.

ADAM: So, I’m the only one.

GOD: Yes, the prototype, so to speak.

ADAM: Aren’t you going to make any more, God?

GOD: I might. I’ve got to see where I went wrong with you first.

ADAM: You mean I’m defective?

GOD: Maybe. I don’t know. But before I start mass production, I gotta see if you’re gonna work out. Lately, I’ve been getting a little sloppy.

ADAM points off into the distance.

ADAM: You mean like that?

GOD: What...the giraffe? What’s wrong with the giraffe?

ADAM: It looks ridiculous. Why’d you give it such a big neck?

GOD: To reach the leaves.

ADAM: Why not just make the trees shorter?

GOD: Look you! Not half-an-hour ago, you were nothing more than a lump of crap I scraped off my sandal, so if —

ADAM: Alright...don’t get so defensive. I get the point.

ADAM again points off in the distance.

ADAM: What are those deer doing over there?

GOD: Um, they’re mating...

ADAM: Oh. I see.

(a beat)

What’s mating?

GOD: Well, it’s a little tricky to explain...

ADAM: Yeah, it looks tricky. Could I try it?

GOD: Well, I don’t see how...

ADAM: That’s okay. I saw how.

ADAM runs off the stage. GOD remains seated, knowing what will happen. ADAM comes back.

ADAM (panting):Damn, those deer can run.

GOD: Yeah, quick mothers, ain’t they? I’ve been giving it some thought, though. I could make another like you so you could mate.

ADAM: Why don’t you just make me a faster runner.

GOD: No, it doesn’t work like that. You have to mate with your own kind.

ADAM: My own kind of what?

GOD: Never mind. I’ll be right back.

GOD leaves for a moment. He returns with a rather obese woman. Displaying her proudly, He speaks.

GOD: Here you are. Mate with her.

ADAM: Good luck. I’d need a forklift.

GOD: You don’t like her?

ADAM: I’d rather have the deer.

GOD: Hmm. Perhaps I was a bit overzealous. Let me try again.

GOD leaves for a moment. He returns with a woman with enormous breasts.

GOD: Okay. I think I’m beginning to get the hang of this. How about this one?

ADAM: She’s okay, I guess. But you didn’t tuck her in too good.

GOD: What? What are you talking about?

ADAM: She’s lumpy. She’s sticking out all over the place!

GOD and EVE both look down at ADAM’s groin. Obviously, she’s not the only one “sticking out.”

GOD: Speak for yourself. Well anyway, I think she’ll do nicely. Go ahead...introduce yourselves.

ADAM extends his arm and shakes hands with EVE.

ADAM: Hi, you. I’m me.

EVE: Hi, you. I’m me.

GOD: Whoa. Something’s not right.

ADAM: Yeah, we both got the same names!

GOD: I forgot to give names, didn’t I? Well, let’s see...

GOD produces two pieces of folded paper from his pocket and reads from one.

GOD: Here we go...“Animal Names.” Let’s start at the top. Aaron, Abbott, Adam — Hey! Adam! I like it! Let’s see: Adam...here boy!

(whistling)

Here, boy! Oh yes, that’ll be splendid.

GOD hands the other paper to EVE.

GOD: Here, see if you can find a name you like.

EVE: Hey...there’s only one name on this list!

GOD: Oh, you like it, too, huh? Good. Adam, I would like you to meet Eve. Eve, this is Adam. Well, I hate to create and run, but I really must. The chickens are giving me hell about the square eggs.

GOD leaves ADAM and EVE alone. After a long awkward pause and several attempts to sneak a peek at EVE's breasts, ADAM speaks.

ADAM: Hi, I’m Adam.

EVE: Nice to meet you.

EVE and ADAM shift from side to side uncomfortably. After a very long pause, ADAM again breaks the silence.

ADAM: Hi, I’m Adam.

EVE: Yeah, we’ve met. Look, what are we supposed to do exactly?

ADAM: Mate.

EVE: What’s that?

ADAM: If you were a deer, I’d show you.

GOD: Pardon?

GOD suddenly reappears.

GOD: Sex drive! That’s what I forgot. Sex drive.

EVE: What’s that?

GOD stares at her.

EVE: Hey! I’m starting to feel funny.

ADAM: Could be a vitamin deficiency.

GOD then stares at ADAM.

ADAM: Hey...I feel kinda funny, too.

ADAM and EVE glance at each other for a moment, and then rush to embrace. They kiss passionately until ADAM suddenly pulls away for a moment.

ADAM: Hey, do you run very fast?

EVE: No...I don’t think so.

ADAM: Good!

ADAM and EVE drop to the grass. GOD watches for a moment.

GOD: Now to invent the headache.

GOD leaves.

FADE TO BLACK.