It’s like Shakespeare...only in English.

“I love you just the way you aren’t.” ~ B.S.

The Incomplete Worlds Of Billy Shakespeare | It's like Shakespeare...only in English.

Billy Plays With Himself

one-act plays

The Complaint Dept.

Dramatis Personae

LADY, the lady customer

CLERK, the clerk

MANAGER, get the point


CLERK stands motionless behind the counter with a vague expression on his face as LADY walks towards him.

LADY: I’ve come to complain.

CLERK: Yes, ma’am. About what?

LADY: About this bottle of Tylenol.

CLERK (taking the bottle from her and inspecting it closely): Yes, ma’am. What’s wrong with it?

LADY: Well, it killed my husband.

CLERK: Yes, and...

LADY: What do you mean, “and...?” I said it killed my husband!

CLERK: Well, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t hear complaints about your husband, just for the purchased item.

The CLERK places the bottle of Tylenol on the counter and pushes it toward the LADY, smiling pleasantly.

LADY: I’m not complaining about my husband...

CLERK: Perhaps you should see a marriage counselor.

LADY: Now what’s the point in that? He’s dead!

CLERK: Oh, I see. Well, no problem then. Have a nice day!

LADY (speaking through gritted teeth): Could I speak to your manager, please?

CLERK (hesitant): Very well, ma’am.

CLERK drops straight down behind counter and comes up again a moment later wearing a false nose and glasses. He speaks in a deeper voice.

CLERK: Hello, I’m the manager. How may I help you?

LADY: (glaring at him): You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

CLERK takes off false nose and leaves. He reappears a moment later with the real MANAGER.

LADY: Are you the manager?

MANAGER: Yes, ma’am. You have a complaint?

CLERK: Your Tylenol killed my husband!

MANAGER: And...?

LADY (pointing at CLERK): That’s what he said!

MANAGER: Oh, I see. Well, no problem then. Have a nice day!

LADY: Look, if you don’t do something, I’ll find a cop who will!

MANAGER: Do something? About what?

LADY: The Tylenol!

MANAGER (picking up the bottle from off the counter): Well, we can’t accept this... It’s been opened!

LADY: I know it’s been opened! My husband is the one who opened it!

MANAGER: Perhaps we should speak to him then.

LADY: You’ll have to hurry, rigor mortis is setting in! He’s lying stone dead in our kitchen!

MANAGER: Oh, I see. Well, no problem then. Have a nice day!

LADY: Will you stop saying that! Look...I’ve had just about enough of this. Are you going to do something or not?

MANAGER: Madam! We absolutely pride ourselves on our customer service. We will take immediate action, of course.

(turning to CLERK)

Reginald! Give the lady a new bottle of Tylenol!

LADY: I don’t want a new bottle!

MANAGER: I see. Very well. We’ll refund your money.

(to CLERK)

Reginald, give the lady a dollar.

LADY: A dollar!


LADY: Ten!


LADY: Eight-fifty!

MANAGER: Deal! Reginald...

CLERK reaches into the pocket of his white lab coat and fishes around for the exact change, then hands the LADY her money.

CLERK: Thank you, ma’am...and have a nice day! (He smiles pleasantly.)

The CLERK and MANAGER watch as the LADY exits. After a long pause they begin to speak to each other.

CLERK: Think she was telling the truth? About the Tylenol?

MANAGER (picking up bottle and stares at it for a moment): Could’s the fourth bottle that’s come back this week. Oh well, find a box for this and put it back on the shelf.

CLERK: Right.

MANAGER exits, leaving CLERK alone with the Tylenol bottle.

CLERK: Christ, that lady gave me such a friggin’ headache...

CLERK opens bottle up, sniffs it, then takes one. He swallows it and just stares straight ahead. He then slowly sinks straight down behind counter, remaining expressionless the whole time.