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The Incomplete Worlds Of Billy Shakespeare | BillyShakespeare.com: It's like Shakespeare...only in English.

Billy Plays With Himself

one-act plays

Cosmic Messenger

Dramatis Personae

JOE, bar patron

BARTENDER, bartender

ALIEN, um...well...alien!

SOUNDFX: theme music begins.

NARRATOR: There are those who believe that life on other worlds exists. And there are those who believe that these extraterrestrial life forms are living among us. Whether they came here to study us, or complain about the noise is unknown.

It is often hard for Earthmen to comprehend their relative unimpor­tance in the Infinite Universe. Occasionally they must be reminded through natural disasters, death and war, hallucinogenics, or beer — the most popular drink in the cosmos.

In a relative unimportant bar in the city of New York, an extraterrestrial makes his weary entrance into a bar called O’Malley’s. In the same bar, a telephone sanitizer named JOE LESTER attempts to capture the attention of the BARTENDER.

SOUND FX: the music fades, and bar noises begin. We hear clinking glasses, a sports broadcast, and muffled conversations in the background.

JOE: Hey, bartender! Could you speed it up a little? I’m developing age spots.

BARTENDER: Yes, sir. What can I help you with?

JOE: How about a drink?

BARTENDER: I’m sorry, sir. I’m not allowed to drink on duty.

JOE: Not for you! For me. I’d like something different, something exotic. What do you have like that?

BARTENDER: Beer.

JOE: Sounds good to me.

SOUND FX: footsteps that sound like suction cups growing louder as the ALIEN comes near.

JOE: Geez, bartender. Would you get a load of this guy coming in. Sure has noisy feet!

ALIEN: Barkeep! Gimme a beer. And make it snappy, the world’s about to end.

JOE: Hey, buddy! I don’t mean to pry, but...you’re really kinda small. Are you sure you’re over twenty-one?

ALIEN: Twenty-one inches? Why, I’m nearly twice as tall as that.

JOE: No. I meant twenty-one years old...

ALIEN: Give or take a hundred, yeah. Hi, my name’s Allterphon. What’s yours?

JOE: Joe. Joe Little.

ALIEN: Greetings, Jojolittle. Excuse me, but could you tell me where I am exactly?

JOE: O’Malley’s.

ALIEN: That’s a planet?

SOUND FX: paper rustling.

ALIEN: It’s not on my map!

JOE: It ain’t on the Society Page, either. But it’s not a planet; it’s a bar.

ALIEN: Oh. So what planet is this exactly?

JOE: Earth.

ALIEN: Whew. Okay, cool. Dig it. I’m in the right place.

JOE: Oh, I doubt that. Listen, uh...Alterphon...are from around here? I mean, you didn’t escape from anywhere, did you?

ALIEN: No, I didn’t escape. And you’re right. I’m not from around here.

JOE: Where do you hail from?

ALIEN: Polaris.

JOE: That’s in France, right?

ALIEN: No. Not Paris. POLARIS.

JOE: Where’s that? I’m guessing it’s pretty far from here?

ALIEN: Couple light years. Nothing to brag about.

JOE: Wait a minute. Polaris. Isn’t that a star, or something?

ALIEN: Yup. Well, I’m not actually from the star, but a planet that orbits it. I’m from Gagar.

JOE: Are you trying to tell me you’re from another planet?

ALIEN: Yup. Don’t believe me, do you? Didn’t think so. Well, let’s see what I have for proof. Wanna see my flying saucer?

JOE: Sure, why not?

ALIEN: You can kinda see it through the window there.

JOE: Geez. That is either the ugliest looking car I’ve ever seen, or...

ALIEN: Or the first flying saucer you’ve ever seen.

JOE: My God, you really are from outer space. I mean, the squeaky feet and antennas should have tipped me off, but...what are you doing on Earth?

ALIEN: I took first prize in the Galactic Sweepstakes. I won a week’s vacation on Earth.

JOE: What was second prize?

ALIEN: Two weeks. Bartender! Two more beers down here. And make it snappy, the world’s about to end.

JOE: It is? Are you serious?

ALIEN: Well, actually, your SUN is gonna end. But, when that happens, your planet will end with it. As a matter of fact, so will your solar system.

JOE: How...how do you know that?

ALIEN: ‘Cause I’m the one who’s gonna make it end. I just came in here for a quick beer. One for the road, you know.

JOE: How long have we got?

ALIEN: I shouldn’t expect more than five minutes.

JOE: You’re pretty calm about it.

ALIEN: Because I intend to be far from it. I’m timing it kinda close, actually, but...I’m really thirsty. Bartender! One more beer, please.

JOE: Why are you gonna blow up the sun?

ALIEN: Why not?

JOE: We need it!

ALIEN: For what? Suntan? Couple of minutes, that won’t matter much...because there won’t be much matter. Ha, ha. Get it?

JOE: That’s not fair! Why do you want to blow up the sun?

ALIEN: Well, to tell you the truth, there’s a star not far from here with a planet called Teekups. We can’t see it with our telescopes because your sun is in the way.

JOE: What? What’s on Teekups that’s so important?

ALIEN: Well, all the men on Teekups died suddenly. There’s nobody on the planet but women. Hubba hubba.

JOE: That’s it? You’re going to blow us up because you want to sneak a peak at some broads?

ALIEN: Some very LONELY broads, if you take my meaning. Besides, why should you care?

JOE: Wouldn’t you? I mean, what happen if I told you I was gonna blow up your planet?

ALIEN: Actually, I’m not from any one planet.

JOE: How can you be from more than one?

ALIEN: Bits of me were manufactured on different planets. You see, I’m, sort of an android...

JOE: You’re a robot? They sent a beer-drinking robot to blow up the Earth?

ALIEN: Well, not exactly a robot...

JOE: What are you then?

ALIEN: Can-opener.

JOE: I see. They sent a beer-drinking, talking can-opener to blow up Earth.

ALIEN: You’re not disappointed, are you?

JOE: No, not at all. What’s the matter, was the blender busy?

ALIEN: Don’t be silly. You can’t send a blender to blow up stars. They train animals...

JOE: Oh yes, of course. How silly of me. So, they sent you, a mere can­-opener, instead of a real alien?

ALIEN: Look, buddy. Whadda ya want? Friggin’ E.T.? He couldn’t make it...he’s in Hollywood. You’re stuck with me...so... BACK OFF!

JOE: Oh, hey...I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re here to destroy the Earth and everything. You’d think they’d send somebody important.

ALIEN: Important? For Earth? What’s so special about you people?

JOE: Lots of things...like, um, literature! Ever read “Gone With The Wind?”

ALIEN: Have you?

JOE: Not yet.

ALIEN: Better hurry. You got...uh, two and a half minutes. Bartender! Two more beers. And make it snappy, the world’s about to end. So what else makes you Earthlings so special?

JOE: Well...there’s music...

ALIEN: The Rolling Stones, for instance? You want me to tell the Totally Imperial Emperor of Gagar that I couldn’t blow up your sun because of Jag & the Stones?

JOE: No, they’re a bad example. What about Mozart, or Beethoven?

ALIEN: Forget it. They haven’t written anything in years. Come to think of it, neither have The Stones. So, what else?

JOE: Well, there’s poetry.

ALIEN: I don’t think so. The people of Gafna are the official poets of the Universe.

JOE: Who?

ALIEN: The Gafnans. Two million people who live on an asteroid about a mile wide.

JOE: What do they write about?

ALIEN: Oh, mainly the importance of birth control. Look, I hate to destroy and run, but...I really don’t think there’s much on Earth worth saving except for mood rings. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got thirty seconds to get out of your solar system.

JOE: Isn’t there anything I can do to stop you?

ALIEN: If there was, do you think I’d tell you?

JOE: Not a chance. Can I go with you?

ALIEN: Got a flying saucer?

JOE: It’s in the shop.

ALIEN: Tough break.

JOE: Isn’t there room in yours?

ALIEN: Room for beer, I got. Room for you, ‘fraid not. But look, cheer up. In a couple of seconds you’re never gonna feel this miserable again. That’s something, isn’t it? Whoops! Twelve seconds to make it back to my wormhole. G’bye. Been great chatting with you. Let’s do it again some...uh, some...uh. Never mind.

SOUNDFX: a flying saucer taking off in a big hurry.

JOE: Bartender! I think I’m gonna need another beer down here. And make it snappy, the worlds about to end. Say...you don’t hapen to have a copy of “Gone With The Wind” lying around somepl ---

SOUND FX: huge explosion. Music builds to a crescendo then fades as the story ends.