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B.S. On My Bookshelf

really novel novels

The Complete Idiot’s Guide
To Having Cybersex
With Other Complete Idiots

— or —

everything you always wanted to know
about cybersex but were too busy
typing with one hand to ask


To the one very special person in my life without whom this book could not have been written:

Steve Case, the now former Chairman & CEO of America Online, Inc.

God bless you.

Oh no...oh God...I promised myself I wouldn’t start crying, and now look at me...

Why Don’t We Do It In The Information Superhighway?

The first question you’re going to ask me is: Why are you wasting your time writing a book about cybersex? (At least that’s the first question my mother’s going to ask.)

So why would anyone actually endeavor to become good at typing sexually-explicit thoughts to complete strangers?

Well, despite my feelings about you and your vicious personal attacks upon my interests and hobbies, I can answer your question in one word: because.

That’s right: because. Because I can’t do this alone, people! If all of you don’t start getting a lot better at this than you are now, I’ll be forced to go back to lurking in the back rows of porno theaters. So before I have to dig my raincoat out of storage, I want a chance to present this primer to those of you who are interested in joining the Internet cybersex community, or maybe just tired of dry-cleaning your raincoat.

I don’t know much of the history of the Internet. I don’t know who originally thought up the whole idea. I’ve heard Al Gore took credit for it, but I’d sooner believe it was Larry Flynt. Sex and the Internet are marching hand-in-hairy-hand into the new Millennium. You can pass whatever laws you can debate the moral decay of our society from any pulpit in the nation...but sex is a more permanent part of the Internet than the Microsoft logo.

The purpose of this instruction book is to teach you, the computer novice, some of the basics of engaging in the most popular form of sexual expression on the Internet, namely: “cybering” with fellow computer owners who have no idea what to do with their computer now that they’ve gone out and spent all that money on one. I believe this primer is necessary because, quite frankly, some of you idiots are wasting my limited time online with your lame-ass questions. Come with me now and I will show you all the methods of initiating a conversation with a sexually-uninhibited partner and cultivate a stimulating online romance that will last almost an entire week before boredom sets in and you go off to find someone else. (See, you knew these computers would save you time!)

There are a great many myths about the Internet that I will dispel in this manual; myths about the “chat rooms” that can be found there and about those who engage in the sexually-charged conversations within them. But if I accomplish nothing else with this book (and believe me, I won’t) I want to at least debunk what I believe to be the biggest myth about cybersex: that it’s just a bunch of balding, fat men pretending to be lesbians chatting with other balding, fat men pretending to be lesbians. I admit those losers are out there,* but it doesn’t begin to address the real issue: they’re not all balding.

But I kid the fat bastards. There really are women on the Internet, and they do engage in cybersex. They are your wives, your girlfriends, your sisters, and your mothers. (Not my mother, thank God, but I’m sure I’ve cybered once or twice with yours.) With that in mind, this manual is also designed to offer the women eager to join your mothers on the Internet pointers on how to make themselves more attractive to me...oops, I the men they’ll meet online.

Whether you are a man or a woman, though (or just a man who prefers for people to think he’s a woman), keep in mind the people you’re going to cyber with are ordinary people like you and me. (Wow. I’m really stretching the definition of “ordinary” here, I know.) The people you’re going to chat with are your neighbors. They are your male and female coworkers. Soccer moms and Little League coaches. Professional men and women. Fathers and mothers. Husbands and wives.

Now, I’m not saying you should believe everything someone tells you online, I’ll discuss in future chapters how to hone your bullshit-detection skills, but you should not immediately assume everyone you’re talking to is wearing their Star Trek uniforms while their mother calls to them through the locked basement door to wash up for dinner.

We’re going to take this very slow. Feel free to take notes, if you wish. Don’t be embarrassed to read this book, and please don’t be too embarrassed to buy it, either! Remember: everyone who owns a computer has had cybersex at least once. Just think for a moment about all the people you know who recently brought home new computers. Well, they’ve all had cybersex. Every one of them. You’re in good company. And for all those people who are shaking their heads right now, denying it, allow me to quote from A.A. Milne’s classic children’s tale Winnie The Pooh: “Tigger, please...”

Now if you bought this book because of the titillating title, well I have just this to say to you: sucker! I can’t believe you fell for one of the oldest sales ploys in the publishing industry. Throw the word “sex” in the title and you’ve got a million-seller on your hands! Stephen King’s been getting away with it for years!

If you bought this book thinking there would be a deep psychological study on the effects of cybersex on modern relationships, you’re going to be bitterly disappointed. This author can barely spell “psychological,” and always pronounces it with a hard “puh” sound. And if you bought this book thinking there would be a lot of lines and numbers and pictures of cats, then you were in the wrong aisle altogether. You wanted the calendar section, which was just behind the smutty book aisle.

Yes, this is an instructional book on the proper etiquette and methodology of initiating and maintaining a cybersexual relationship via the computer. It is a self-help book on self-abuse, I suppose you’d say (although I already said it first). Most people today look down on those of us who engage in cybersexual practice. And so it is this author’s mission to bring a little honor to “cybersex,” giving it the same respectability that phone sex now enjoys. And don’t we all enjoy phone sex? Of course we do. But it costs a goddamn fortune, and my wife is starting to take closer looks at our credit card billing statements. So if we all pool together and do this thing right, it can really, really help me out of a jam. Thanks.

And now just a quick note on how this book is laid out. At various points in this book you will see little smiley faces like the ones at the beginning of this chapter. These will get extremely annoying after awhile. But so are the ones you see on the Internet. I’m using them to break up the text a little bit, and when I use them in the middle of a cyber chat, it’s to let you know what I’m really thinking on the inside. For example:

cyberslut: I want to be anally fisted.

:-D The Author: Okay, you’re a lunatic...

The Author: Interesting! Tell me more!

One final thought: there is a lot of filthy language in this book. An awful fucking lot. It really is pretty raw; I gotta be up front about it. But it’s a book about proper cybersex techniques, and that by definition means more foul language than a Tarantino Film Retrospective. So if you’re a teenager who is reading this book in the bookstore’s cafĂ©, tittering at the naughty bits over your double-espresso, than I have just one question for you: what the hell is a teenager doing drinking a double-espresso?

Lecture One:

A colon and an end-parentheses placed close together in text are supposed to denote a sideways smiley face. It’s known as an “emoticon,” and is supposed to reassure you that the person on the other side of the computer screen is smiling back at you all warm and friendly-like.

But I’ve worked in a lot of consumer comestibles convenience industries (read: fast-food joints) where we were berated if we didn’t tell every single fucking customer to “Have a nice day.” I said it a lot; I meant it almost never. I get that same sense when I see these sideways smiley bastards all over the Internet...


And you know what? While I’m at it: spare me the little flourishes like the wink...


...and the wiggly tongue...


...and the devil horns...


...and the clown hat and big rubber nose!


Actually, I kinda like that last one. Okay...the clown can stay.