It’s like Shakespeare...only in English.

“What the fuck is Tourette’s Syndrome and why should I give a shit?” ~ B.S.

B.S. On My Bookshelf

really novel novels

The Complete Idiot’s Guide
To Having Cybersex
With Other Complete Idiots

— or —

everything you always wanted to know
about cybersex but were too busy
typing with one hand to ask

Part One, Chapter One:
The Very Boring Bit About Computers

You’re going to need a computer. There’s just no getting around it. But what kind of computer, you ask? Well, first of all, stay away from the Palm Pilots...

For the average home computer buyer, the first question is whether to buy a new or used computer. They are, after all, buying it for “the kids.” So “the kids” can do “research” for school. Yeah, right. If that’s true, then buy “the kids” an “encyclopedia.” But if you’re really serious about your pornography...if you demand fast download times for your “research,” then you gotta go with a new computer. It’s true that there seems to be more used-computer stores opening up these days than Starbuck’s coffee shops, but the prices for new computers have dropped so low, you’d be crazy not to go with a brand new one.

There’s no reason to mention computer brand names, they’re all pretty much the same. But there are a few things to look for, such as...

Modem speed...

A used computer would most likely have a built-in modem with a speed of at least 33.6 kps. All new computers will have what is considered the industry standard, which is “V.90/56 kps.” Now you’ll ask, of course, what does that mean? To which I would reply: “How the hell should I know?”

What I do know about modem speed is that trying to engage in cybersex with a modem speed under 33.6 kps is like trying to get an orgy going at a nursing home. You can do it, but very slowly.

Most cybersex is initiated using “Instant Message” programs. (Instant Message is usually abbreviated “IM.” It’s even used as a verb, such as: “IM me anytime you see me online!”) There are several to choose from, but most come as a standard part of your internet software. The most popular is America Online’s Instant Messenger. It comes with the AOL software or can be downloaded as a separate program. If you’re using a slow modem, though, what will actually happen is that you’ll send a message to your prospective paramour, and by the time he/she receives your “Instant” Message, your lover has logged off, showered, and is slipping quietly into bed beside their snoozing spouse.

In cybersex, speed - not size - matters. You don’t want to leave them with the impression that you’re an inattentive lover. With all due respect to the Pointer Sisters, the Internet is no place for a lover with a slow hand.

Hard drive size...

This is almost a non-issue for the cybersex enthusiast. It only becomes a concern if you become a “collector,” that is, someone who spends a lot of time swapping dirty pictures like a kid trading Pokemon cards. It sounds like a stupid pursuit, but it can become addictive. Let’s say you have a particular fetish that you thought no one else in the world shared...for example, Star Trek characters having sex (Oh yeah, buddy! That’s out there. And it’s gonna live long and prosper, believe you me.)...and someone you’re talking to about it says they think they have a picture of one of the characters naked. They send it to you as an email attachment and you download it onto your hard drive. No problem. It’s quite a find and it only takes up 24KB of hard drive space. But after a few weeks, you find yourself on an email list for Star Trek fetishists and soon you’ve got so much porn on your computer, even your floppy disks stay hard.

I’m not seeing many computers these days with less than six gigabyte hard drive (6GB HD) (See how long it takes to get a book published these days? When I started to write this manual, 4.3GB was pretty much the standard. But nowadays even laptops come with about ten times that storage space to hold all your “research.”), and that’s plenty, even for the most hardcore fan of hardcore pornography.

Monitor size...

Again, this is hardly an issue for the cybersex aficionado, since you’re mostly viewing typewritten words. But if you’re a collector of dirty pictures, you might want to splurge on a screen larger than 14”. And if you got the bucks, you should see how big your dicks and/or tits can be on a 19” monitor like I got! (It’s like watching a porno at a drive-in.)

Memory size...

No book about computers would be complete without a lengthy discourse on the different types of RAM, and an explanation of each. That’s why I didn’t write a book about computers: because it would be incomplete. I see computers advertised as having 128MB 100MHz Sync DRAM; some of the more reasonably priced are advertised with 64MB 96MHz. Now, what does this all mean, you ask, to the hardcore cybersex enthusiast? The answer is simple: not a goddamn thing.

Processor speed...

The consumer electronics industry has made huge leaps in this area. When I first began to do “research” on my computer, I was using a Packard Bell with a 66MHz processor. This is the bare minimum required to be a “Pentium-speed processor.” Pentium is an Intel product that used to dominate the microchip processor market. But now you are more likely to find new computers using other brands of processors. To the cybersex fan, it means only this: the higher the number, the better. The last laptop computer I bought boasted an Intel Celeron 466MHz processor. Who cares? Not me, that’s for sure. And you shouldn’t, either. Sixty-six worked fine; 466 works better. That’s all you need to know.

Internet service providers...

Finally we must discuss “ISPs,” an abbreviation for Internet Service Providers. Think of them as your friendly neighborhood virtual adult bookstore. They are there to provide a whole new world of virtual sex experiences. Choose them wisely!

There is a new trend these days to offer consumers an immediate $400 discount on any computer as long as they sign a four-year contract with a certain ISP. Is this a good deal? No. Not really. It sounds good, because a $400 “coupon” on any computer is a good deal. But the choices of Internet Service Providers usually aren’t the best one, at least not for the cyberslut-in-training.

There are also local Internet providers in larger cities. I’m sure they’re just fine for those who are actually using their computers for research (that is, research, with no quotes around it). But for those of us doing “research” with the quotation marks around it, there is only one name you need to remember: America Online!

God bless Steve Case and “AOL.” When I log off my computer at night, totally shagged-out from hours and hours of solid “research,” I say a little prayer for the continued good health of Steve Case and America Online. If I have one complaint about AOL, it is this: they weren’t around 20 years ago when they could have helped with my puberty “research.”

Yes, sir, America Online is without a doubt heroin to the cybersex addict. The ISP most friendly to sexual deviants hands down (or “hands on”) would be America Onlust...I mean America Online. No other ISP understands your need to grasp your computer joystick quite like the fine folks at AOL. From the free CDs glued to the backs of magazines and handed out free at any bookstore checkout counter, to their poorly monitored chat rooms, to your ability to cloak yourself from stalking ex-cybersex partners - America Online is there to service you! Accept no substitute.

This book has been written (and updated) with America Online’s latest version 7.0 in mind. But for those of you interested in what other ISPs are offering (or if you just got kicked off America Online for “Terms of Service” infractions), then flip forward to Part Six: Alright, I’m Bored With AOL. Now What?

The rest of you: come with me! (You know what I mean.)

There have been a few version updates to America Online since I first discovered the vast amounts of “research” materials available to me there. When I began, version 3.0 and AOL’s “monthly payment plan” had just been introduced. Previously, you were charged by the minute for your time. So you premature ejaculators would have made out all right, I suppose. But those of us devoted “researchers” were getting second mortgages on our homes.

AOL is now at version 7.0, but I think version 4.0 was my favorite, though, because it was the least intrusive. I found that version 5.0 was in too big a hurry to dominate my browser, and 6.0 and 7.0 are no different. But if you’re a computer novice, then maybe that’s not a bad option for you. Once you install it, your computer’s modem will automatically dial into America Online to get you on the Internet. This is handy if you ever really do decide to do research (with no quotation marks). And AOL versions 5.0 through 7.0 seem to play well with Internet Explorer. Previous versions forced me to use Netscape if I wanted to use AOL strictly for Internet access.

Virus protection...

You’re going to need protection. I wouldn’t let your wife near my lap without wearing a condom, why would I offer any less protection to my laptop?

The good news is that all new computers are sold with antivirus applications pre-installed. The bad news is that America Online enjoys a reputation within the cybersexual community as having the worst virus protection. I myself have always had a certain amount of healthy paranoia when it comes to opening email and downloading attachments (more on that later).

My best advice is the same that all ISPs offer: Never download attachments from people you don’t know! But knowing you as well as I think I already do (I mean, you’ve read this far, haven’t you), my second best recommendation is: just don’t download it at work, okay?

Web browsers...

A browser is a stupid name for something that is critical for getting on the Internet. Simply stated, if you think of your computer as a car on the Internet Autobahn, it is the windshield that allows you to see the road. There are two leaders in this field: Netscape Navigator (a favorite of computer dorks, the same ones that still debate Apple Computers’ dominance in the industry), and Microsoft Internet Explorer. They are both free applications, but Microsoft’s Internet Explorer is going to be pre-loaded onto your new computer. Here’s the good news: neither one matter for the purposes of this book (i.e. jerking off).

So to sum up, I would encourage you to invest in the current technologies. Buy a brand new computer. They can be snapped up for under a $1000 these days - even the laptops! Don’t concern yourself with what kind of programs are loaded onto it. Don’t concern yourself with whether it’s a Microsoft Windows platform or a Macintosh O/S (although Macs are still pricing themselves out of the consumer market, in my opinion). Just go out and get one! Now! Today, damn it. Your kids are depending on you! Do you have any idea how much “research” they could be doing right now?