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"In The Daze Of Sir Laughalot"
a story by Billy Shakespeare

There once was a warrior named Sir Laughalot. He was the most feared soldier in his king’s dumb kingdom.

He stood six feet tall and sat about four comfortably. His weight was appropriate for a man his height holding a large appliance.

Sir Laughalot was loved by all, which forced the free clinic to extend their business hours. His brave adventures were retold throughout all the taverns in the kingdom, especially when someone else was buying. There was one story that the peasants never tired of hearing (especially when someone else was buying), and that was his marvelous adventure with the dragon.

The dragon was feared by all who were fast enough to run for cover when it flew overhead. Those brave enough to stand up to the vicious beast were usually found much later as just so much dragon shit. Needless to say, very few villagers remained who called themselves brave (or morticians).

For many months (actually, four months, which isn’t many) the horrible looking creature roamed the countryside. So did the dragon. And when Sir Laughalot and the dragon finally met, the dragon shit really hit the windmill.

Sir Laughalot was resting by a lake where the royal maidens were often found bathing. Actually, Laughalot was the only one who often found them bathing there, and he wasn’t about to tell anyone else. In any case, Laughalot was working himself into a bit of a sweat resting by the lake, crouched down behind the bushes where you couldn’t see him without looking real hard.

Suddenly, Sir Laughalot noticed someone’s foul hot breath. He quickly popped a breath mint and continued resting. After a moment, he noticed that strange foul odor again. Acting with blinding speed, he took a TUMS, then continued resting.

The maidens were unaware of the powerful stench, busy as they were comparing bust sizes. The royal princess was just about to prove that her bust of Socrates was much bigger than her hand maiden’s bust of Julius Caesar, when a terrible roar was heard from the bushes.

It was, of course, Sir Laughalot.

He had finally figured out what the stench was, and was running as fast as he could away from it. The dragon yelled after him, “You idiot! Now they know we were watching!”

The fierce dragon could hardly contain his fury. With a savage leap, the dragon hurled his great body into the air. He climbed higher and higher, stopping only when he realized that, while many species of dragon are capable of flight, he wasn’t one of them. As quickly as he soared into the air, he now soared out of it.

Meanwhile, on the ground, covering a lot of ground, trying to find cover on the ground, was brave Sir Laughalot. Ordinarily, in a fierce battle such as this, Laughalot would have grabbed his lance, mounted his mighty steed and charged toward the vicious beast. At least that’s what he would have told his mates at the pub. In fact, if Laughalot managed to runaway to safety, that’s exactly what he intended to tell his mates at the pub.

The dragon had other plans.

Like finding a nice soft piece of something to land on. His choices were rather limited at the moment, considering his velocity. He chose Sir Laughalot.

Sir Laughalot was just noticing that no matter how fast he ran, he was always within a circle of shade that seemed to grow larger and larger until it seemed to appear almost dragon-shaped.

It was, and it was no longer just a piece of shade. Now it was about four thousand extra pounds that Sir Laughalot was trying to lose by the holidays. He always had been very careful about his figure. The dragon had, of course, landed.

Unfortunately, Sir Laughalot survived the dragon’s landing. I say, unfortunately, because Sir Laughalot now found himself wedged firmly in the dragon’s armpit. Now there is only one thing in the world that smells worse than a dragon’s armpit...and that is a dead dragon’s armpit.

While Laughalot worked to free himself, he heard the village people approach him and the dragon, shouting and laughing joyously. “What the hell is going on out there?!” Laughalot yelled through the cracks in the dragon’s blubber.

“Brave Sir Laughalot!” they cheered. “You’re alive!”

“No doy! Get me the hell out of here!”

A villager approached the small crack Laughalot spoke through. “Brave Sir Laughalot, you have our thanks. You have freed us from the dragon. What can we ever do for you?”

“How about returning the favor? Get me out of here!”

“Of course, Brave Knight!” The villager paused a moment and sniffed. “My...it, uh...it smells a bit ripe in there, Brave Sir Laughalot. Mighty ripe. Here...have a TUMS.”