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Billy Plays With Himself

one-act plays

Star Wars:
The Real Menace

Dramatis Personae

QUI-GON JINN, Jedi Master

OBI-WAN KENOBI, Qui-Gonn’s pupil

PRINCESS AMIDALA, ruler of the planet Naboo

DARTH MAUL, sworn enemy of the Jedi

JAR JAR BINKS, the single most annoying character to emerge from the mind of George Lucas since Howard the Duck

TITLE CARD: There is trouble brewing in a distant corner of the galaxy. The Trade Federation has set up a blockade on the planet Naboo. The defenders of peace and justice in the universe, the Jedi Knights, have sent two of their best to the planet to once again restore order to the planet.

EXT. PLANET NABOO

OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI-GON JINN are seen walking along a marshy landscape. There is a large body of water in the background.

OBI-WAN: Master, I’m sensing a disturbance in the Force.

QUI-GON JINN: Really? I sense nothing.

OBI-WAN points off screen.

OBI-WAN: Look, Master! Over there!

A woman appears before the Jedi. It is PRINCESS AMIDALA, young ruler of the Planet Naboo.

AMIDALA: Hi there. I’m Princess Amidala. Welcome to Naboo.

QUI-GON JINN: Your Highness. We are two Jedi Knights. We are here to rescue you.

OBI-WAN and QUI-GON ignite their light sabers and the light swords begin to hum and crackle noisily.

AMIDALA: Rescue me? From who?

No one speaks for a moment. QUI-GON shuts down his light saber. OBI-WAN takes QUI-GON's lead and shuts his down as well.

QUI-GON JINN: Princess Amidala, right?

AMIDALA: Yes.

QUI-GON JINN: Ruler of the Naboo, right?

AMIDALA: Yes, that’s right.

QUI-GON’s light saber comes back to life.

QUI-GON JINN: Your Highness. We are two Jedi Knights. We are here to rescue you.

OBI-WAN and QUI-GON once again ignite their light sabers and pose menacingly.

AMIDALA: Rescue me? From who?

OBI-WAN: Master, why does she keep saying that?

QUI-GON JINN: Settle down, Padiwan. Let me handle this. Your highness, we are here to protect you from the evil Trade Federation. You know, the ones who set up the blockade around your planet?

AMIDALA: Oh! That! Yeah...well, gee. We sorted that out.

There is another long silence. Finally, the light sabers are turned off again.

QUI-GON JINN: I beg your pardon.

AMIDALA: Oh, yeah...there was a problem for awhile. But we sorted it all out. Some kind of union thing. Didn’t you guys get the memo?

QUI-GON JINN: Evidently not.

AMIDALA: Gee, I’m really embarrassed. Must be some kind of screw-up back at corporate.

OBI-WAN: Master! I sense another disturbance in the Force!

A man with a red-and-black-striped face and black cloak appears before the two knights and the princess. It is DARTH MAUL.

DARTH MAUL: Hey, guys. What’s up?

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN fire their light sabers up again and begin slashing them through the air in front of DARTH MAUL.

QUI-GON JINN: Princess! Look out!

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN change positions several times, leaping madly about and waving their light swords. They put on a dazzling display of their warrior skills, finally ending with the points of their light sabers being held just inches from DARTH MAUL’s face.

DARTH MAUL: Whoa! Whoa! Easy now, cowboys! Careful! Someone could get hurt!

AMIDALA: Stop! What do you think you’re doing?

OBI-WAN: Your Highness! Stay out of this! This is Darth Maul! Dark Lord of the Sith! Sworn enemies of the Jedi Knights!

DARTH MAUL: Oh! That! Yeah...well, gee. We sorted that out.

Another long pause.

OBI-WAN: You gotta be fucking me.

QUI-GON JINN: Simmer down, Young Padiwan. I’ll handle this. (turning to MAUL) You gotta be fucking me. What do you mean, you “sorted” that out?

DARTH MAUL: Oh, yeah...there was a problem for awhile. But we sorted it all out. Some kind of union thing. Didn't you guys get the memo?

QUI-GON JINN: Evidently not.

OBI-WAN: Shit!

DARTH MAUL: Gee, I’m really embarrassed. Must be some kind of screw-up back at corporate.

There is a very, very long pause during which we see the characters shifting their gaze back and forth from one another. Finally the JEDI turn off their light sabers.

OBI-WAN (throwing his light saber down hard in the dirt): Shit!

QUI-GON JINN: Obi-Wan! Cool it!

OBI-WAN: Look, old man...I came to this planet to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and now it looks like I'm all out of ass! (pausing for a moment) Wait! Master! Another disturbance!

A tall, odd-looking creature comes up on the four. He is standing in the water and holds his arm up in a friendly wave. It is JAR JAR BINKS, Naboo native.

JAR JAR BINKS: Hello me-sa saying! Hello me-sa saying to the Princess!

OBI-WAN picks up his sword. The Knights ignite their swords, leap over to JAR JAR and hold the points close to his throat.

JAR JAR BINKS: Whoa! Maxie-big the swords! Me-sa thinking me just made poo-doo in my pants.

AMIDALA: Stop! Leave him alone!

QUI-GONN JINN: Your Highness! You know this creature?

AMIDALA: Well, not personally, no.

OBI-WAN: A-ha! I knew it! I knew I sensed a disturbance in the Force!

AMIDALA: No! Stop! He’s no threat!

QUI-GON JINN: Look...no offense, Missy...but this ain’t a laser-pointer I’m holding in my hand. I’ve been a frickin’ Jedi Knight for thirty frickin’ years...a defender of peace and justice in the galaxy since you were shitting green. I think I know a threat to peace and order in the galaxy when I see one.

OBI-WAN (shouting): Eat hot laser death, Fish Face!

AMIDALA: No! Stop! I'm telling you: He’s a native of Naboo.

QUI-GON JINN: A native? But I thought you were a Naboo native...

AMIDALA: I am.

QUI-GON JINN: How can you both be Naboo natives and look so completely different?

There is a long silence as AMIDALA tries to work it all out in her head.

AMIDALA: Well...hmmm. Shit. Good question.

JAR JAR BINKS: Oh boy! Me-sa making some serious poo-doo now!

AMIDALA: No! Stop! It’s true we don't look alike...but he really is a native to this planet.

JAR JAR BINKS: Me be feeding the fishes down here! Ee-gods! What a smell me be making!

QUI-GON JINN: So you rule over him?

AMIDALA: Well, no. We really don’t have much to do with their people.

OBI-WAN: So he’s your enemy! Your sworn enemy!

AMIDALA: No...no! Not an enemy.

QUI-GON JINN: A friend?

AMIDALA: Well, no. Not that either.

QUI-GON JINN: Ee-gods! T’anks for watching me back, bitch!

OBI-WAN: An enemy of the Princess! You-sa gonna die, Joe Camel!

OBI-WAN shows off more fancy moves, his light saber slashing through the air several times. He ends up with his sword at JAR JAR’s throat.

QUI-GON JINN: Padiwan! Control your feelings! They lead to the dark side of the Force!

OBI-WAN (shutting off his light saber): You’re right, of course, Master. Forgive me.

QUI-GON JINN: Now then. Use your Jedi calming techniques.

JAR JAR BINKS: Oh, hey! Mister, me-sa thanking you for saving me-sa life!

QUI-GON JINN: Focus on your breathing...

JAR JAR BINKS: Me-sa was thinking me was sunk, for sure!

QUI-GON JINN: Now, lift your light saber...

JAR JAR BINKS: Me-sa be your humble servant now. It is demanded by the gods, it is!

QUI-GON JINN: Now let’s scale this fish!

Light sabers slash back and forth and JAR JAR starts to scream as he is slashed and hacked to bits. When all is finished, the light sabers turn off and we see the JEDI, DARTH MAUL, and AMIDALA standing around with what looks like raw cuts of fish hanging from their heads and shoulders.

QUI-GON JINN: Well...I’d call that mission a success.

OBI-WAN: Yes, another job well done for the defenders of peace and justice in the galaxy.

QUI-GON JINN: Princess...a pleasure meeting you. Maul...I guess we’ll see you at the next Jedi Council Fund Raiser. I hear the next one's going to be a Cake Walk...sounds like fun.

OBI-WAN and QUI-GON walk away, leaving AMIDALA and MAUL alone. They spend a moment or two smiling uncomfortably at each other and pulling chunks of fish off their clothes. Finally, they drop their hands to their sides. MAUL gives a little, embarrassed cough to fill the silence while AMIDALA draws small lines in the sand with her foot.

DARTH MAUL: Hiya.

AMIDALA (giving a small wave): Hi.

There is a long pause during which the AMIDALA tries hard not to stare at the horns on MAUL’s head, but of course fails.

AMIDALA: You know...it’s probably not my place to say, but...well, if you keep picking at those things, they’re never gonna heal.

FADE TO BLACK.