It’s like Shakespeare...only in English.

“Crappe diem: Have a shitty day.” ~ B.S.

The Incomplete Worlds Of Billy Shakespeare | It's like Shakespeare...only in English.

B.S. On My Bookshelf

really novel novels

The fiction novel did not exist as an art form in Shakespeare’s day. Ironically, however, it did exist as a form of medieval torture, still utilized to this day in modern American high school English Literature classrooms. While none of the novels presented on this website carry the poisonous sting of Chaucer’s work, or reach the coma-inducing levels of boredom of Milton or Bunyan, by God, they come pretty close.

The one area of the literary world left unexplored by the great William Shakespeare, then, is the one scholars term “the rack of dime novels behind the potato chips aisle.” Fortunately, this is familiar terrain for me, if only for the potato chips.

Inspired by my restoration work on The Incomplete Works Of Billy Shakespeare, I have set to pen, ink, and wastepaper basket a selection of my own best efforts in the area of popular fiction.

WWJD? What Would Jerry Do?

how to be completely inappropriate at all times

Poor Born Again Christians. It must be terribly difficult to raise their children with good morals these days in this decadent, modern society of ours. How can they ever convince their children to live by the teachings of Jesus when they are forced to raise them beside the skateboarding, paint-huffing, computer-hacking, porn-downloading children of Satan who live next door at your house? How can they make the teachings of Jesus as attractive to their teenagers as, say, the next Adam Sandler movie?

One method of theirs has been to try to package Jesus to the youth market; creating catchy slogans for Him as if He were a bottle of Mountain Dew. Christians take popular advertising slogans and brand names and give them sly, ironic twists to gear them to young Christians. For instance, when Calvin Klein t-shirts were all the rage, they corrupted the familiar CK logo by inserting a J in front (for “Jesus Christ King”). Clever, huh? Yeah, well, neither is Adam Sandler.

The real problem with this approach is, of course, Jesus is not cool. Jesus goes against everything that being cool is about. Christians are known as “Jesus Freaks,” not “Jesus Jocks.” Face it: Jesus just isn’t cool.

Excuse me for a second while I shut my eyes tightly, sit absolutely still, and wait for the thunderbolt.

Hmm. Nothing? Not today? All right, then. Allow me to explain myself.

The entire problem with Christian adults designing clever “I Love Jesus But Please Don’t Beat Me Up” t-shirts for their teenagers is being cool has and always will be defined by teenagers, and not at all by copy writers on Madison Avenue as is so often believed. Just because most advertising campaigns are designed to be alluring to teenage rebels-with-an-allowance doesn’t mean they all succeed. Take for example the Sprite ads that trumpet Image Is Nothing...Taste Is Everything. The entire concept is so convoluted to me: Don’t listen to what some adult is trying to tell you is cool about being a teenager...believe the adults we employ who say Being uncool is so cool! I can’t imagine they’ve succeeded in pushing one dusty bottle of Sprite off the store shelves with that one.

Anyway...back to Jesus.

The Born Again Christians can rip off and bastardize all the successful advertising campaigns they want, but Jesus will never be cool. Even if Brittany Spears were to take “Jesus Loves Me, This I Know” to the number one spot on the Billboard charts and French-kiss Christina Aguilera in the video, Jesus will never be cool. Never. Ever. Sorry.

And yet, for all their word-jumble Jesus ad campaigns, there was one original concept that provoked me: WWJD? Just four letters and a punctuation mark that reminded teenagers to ponder for a moment: What Would Jesus Do? So, little Billy...before you take another bong hit or slip that “roofie” into her Sprite THINK! What would Jesus do?

And of course, what Jesus would do is something completely uncool, like not steal from his parents, or not French his best friend’s girlfriend behind the gym at fourth period lunch. That’s the problem with Jesus: he’s just so good! Jesus will always do the appropriate thing in any situation.

And that’s fine...for Jesus. Me, though...not so much. I’m not a rebel. I’m not evil or even antisocial. I just love being inappropriate. I have a great need to be entertained by others against their will. And so I am presenting this helpful instruction booklet to help familiarize you, the novice, in the art of being inappropriate. Feel free to share these helpful hints with others. Feel even more free to put them into practice to amuse yourself. And remember, no matter what situation you find yourself in, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself this very important question: WWJD? What Would Jerry Do?

WWJD? What Wouldn’t Jerry Do?

Go into a bookstore and ask them where the “Children’s Erotica” section is.

Feed the homeless. Since the lazy bastards can’t seem to do it for themselves.

If you own a “Bed & Breakfast,” put a framed needlepoint in the bathroom that says: We aim to please. If you piss on the toilet seat, we’ll put a pillow over your face while you sleep.

Wear a t-shirt that says: Kiss me! I have AIDS!

If you're an adopted child, get a hold of a box of wooden matches. When your parents fall asleep at night, sneak into their room and just stand at the foot of their bed. Hold the matchbox with your thumb and middle-finger, slowly turning it round and round with your index finger until the slight scraping of the wooden matches inside the cardboard box wakes them up. Trust me, you're going to love all the attention they will soon lavish upon you.

Attend a meeting of the National Organization of Women, take the microphone/floor/podium and ask: “Ladies! I am at my wit’s end! What can be done about those darn scuff marks?!”

Feign sincerity.

Treat the elderly with disdain.

Be very cruel to children. Bump into them “accidentally,” knocking them to the floor.

Scream into the coffin at open-casket funerals.

Save buildings from burning babies.

Heed the warnings you’ve heard reported in the media. Have your doctor replace your breast implants with whoopee cushions.

You know those clear Plexiglas sneeze guards that hang over the salad bar at restaurants? Why aren’t you using them?

Write a love letter to your mother. Be as sexually explicit as you feel is necessary to make your point.

Convert to another faith. Tell the religious leader you don’t really take their religion seriously, you’re just “hedging your bets.”

See the first showing of any new movie. Stay in the theater for the next one and “guess” out loud what will happen in the next scene.

Ram your shopping cart into an aisle of canned foods, knocking hundreds of cans to the floor. Apologize profusely to the manager and the store clerks. Don’t attempt to help them put the cans back, just go on apologizing over and over. When the cans are back in place, wait a few minutes, then do it again.

Suggest to your wife of many years that she rush out and get an AIDS test.

Go to church. During the sermon, say periodically: “Pphhht! Yeah, right!”

Go to a 24-hour convenience store late at night wearing dark sunglasses and a long black overcoat with the collar turned up. Hang around the magazine rack. Make your way to the counter when you see through the window someone about to come in. When they do walk in, act surprised and quickly make your way back to the magazine rack. Repeat throughout the clerk’s graveyard shift.

Keep referring to a newborn baby as “it” no matter how many times the parents correct you.

Always question authority. It annoys them.

Stand beside a sidewalk portrait artist, facing the portrait subject. Look back and forth from the customer to the artist’s sketch pad. Start to frown as you look back and forth until the artist’s subject notices you. Make eye contact. Shake your head slowly from side to side then walk away.

Hire yourself out as a birthday clown for children’s parties. Spend the entire time chain-smoking, making suggestive balloon shapes, and grabbing the mother’s breasts from behind shouting “HONK! HONK!”

Dominate the conversation during Thanksgiving dinner boasting of your enormous genitals.

If you have a child, only take their picture when they are crying. Even if they are a “happy baby,” they’re going to cry sometime. Wait until then to take their picture. That way, when they’re older, they’ll think they had a miserable childhood.

When it’s your turn to view the body at an open casket funeral, grab the corpse’s wrist and wave it around, working them like a puppet. Do your best to imitate the deceased’s voice and say: “Hi (your name here)! Hi everybody! Hey, don’t forget to cut some air holes in the coffin lid...just in case!”

Call people from the bathroom as often as possible. If urinating, make it louder than the Bells of St. Mary’s. If calling during a bowel movement, make sure the other party can hear you straining. And, of course, flush before hanging up.

Next time you see an artist or a craftsman selling their work roadside, or at a public event, muse over their artwork, then say: “Wow! You’re really talented. Ever think of taking it up as a hobby?”

Take a dachshund jogging.

Next time you’re accosted in the street by a beggar, stop and smile. Listen to their pitch. Tell them, “Of course! Of course I can lend you some money.” Begin searching your pockets in earnest. Express growing concern as you pull empty hand after empty hand out of every pocket in your suit, pants, dress, backpack, purse, or whatever. “Now, wait a minute,” you’ll tell them. “I know I’ve got some change here somewhere.” Keep this up for an hour if possible, but never actually give them any money.

Go to a drive-thru bank teller and ask to borrow a pen. When the pneumatic tube reappears, take the pen and drive off. It is vital that you not give them any financial transactions.

Or fuck ’em. Take the tube, too.

Go to a pet shop and make a point of picking out the cutest little gerbil. When you’ve finished paying for it, ask the clerk, “Now what kind of tape do I use?”

Go to a different pet store and pick out the cutest gerbil, guinea pig, hamster, or similar rodent. When paying, ask the clerk for cooking instructions or recipes.

Next time you see your physician and you’re left alone in the examination room, take all of the supplies out of the jars by the sink and stuff them in your pockets, purse, or backpack. When confronted: deny deny deny!

Sneer at strangers.

When you’ve finished your business with a bank teller, leave the bank running at full speed.

When the person you’re talking to begins to move into conversational areas of no personal interest to you, let them know by stating in a very loud voice: “Booorring!”

Compliment parents on their beautiful children. Ask them if they’ve had them spayed or neutered.

When you find yourself around children and their parents, use as many curse words as possible. The parents will eventually come up to you and ask you to watch your language because their kids are nearby. When they do, look at the parent, then look at the kids, then back at the parents. Look them in the eye as if about to apologize, and say “Fuck ’em.”

Next time you present your parent with a Mother’s or Father’s Day card, leave a brochure to an old folks home in the envelope. When they discover it and confront you demanding answers, state very angrily in a loud voice: “Goddammit! How did that get in there?!” Give your spouse an accusing stare. Stay mad for several hours so they know this isn’t a practical joke.

On a first date, when the waiter gives you the check, REALLY pore over it. Look up occasionally at your date as if you were trying to guess their weight and frown heavily. If the date isn’t going well, comment to her: “Jesus Christ! What the hell did you order?”

Call a Christian radio station and complain about their religious programming.

Always get people’s names wrong. Count how many times it takes before they just walk away from you.

Fart in elevators. And not casually, or accidentally. Let the other passengers see you hunch your body to the side and strain to get it out.

Teach other people’s children extremely vulgar language. I mean, even the words you shy away from using.

The next time you see a very beautiful woman – the kind who fold their arms tightly across their chest in a crowd lest anyone think they can actually talk to her – casually smile at her in a very friendly, non-threatening way, disarming her until she finally gives in and smiles politely back at you. Wait just a few seconds for her guard to go completely down, then ask in an inquisitive, conversational tone: “So, what club do you strip at?”

Tell funny sex stories at family gatherings like Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners. Tell everyone about your husband’s small penis, or how your wife farts during orgasms.

When you see one of those disturbed “goth” teenage girls with the black lipstick and nails, ask them: “Didn’t the costume come with the teeth?”

Salesmen are such friendly, helpful people. They think nothing of walking right up to a browsing customer and asking if they may be of any assistance. Feel free to tie them up for hours, if possible, by picking up items at random, staring at the price tag, and asking: “Now, is this really that valuable, or am I just paying for the brand name?” This gets funnier and funnier as you continually pick up cheaper and cheaper crap.

Next time you find one of those idiot adults who are into collecting Beanie Babies, have them list for you all the stuffed animals in their menagerie. After every one they list, say with a straight-face: “Yeah, I got that one. Uh-huh, got that one, too. Man, everybody has that one. Jesus, I gave that one to my dog!” Soon they will tire of this game, and ask you to list all the Beanies in your collection. That’s when your creativity comes in handy. Make up as many animals as possible. “Renny the Rat.” “Sammy the Syphilitic Seal.” Whatever. When they try to correct you by suggesting you are actually talking about some Beanie Baby knock-off, don’t back down! Argue with them: “No, it’s not a goddamn mouse! I’m telling you: it’s a frickin’ rat!”

Stop a woman pushing a baby stroller in her path. Bend over and coo at the baby. The mother will smile down and patiently wait for you to look up again. When you do, tell her: “She has her mother’s breasts.” Then walk away. This is very funny if you’re a woman.

If you know any recovering anorexics, try to stay away from them for weeks at a time. When you do meet up with them again, look them over with a slight, disapproving look on your face and say: “Jesus...are you gaining weight?”

You know how the airlines, on their longer flights, give you those headphones that are stamped: “Please do not remove from aircraft. Will not work with home devices?” Well, fuck ‘em; help yourself.

Go to any supermarket and bring a serving tray with you. Go to the cookie and cracker aisle, grab a box off the shelf and pour it out onto the tray. Then walk up to shoppers and ask them if they would like to try a sample. When they take it off the tray and nod in enjoyment, nod back and say, “Good, huh? I thought so, too!” Then whip around and grab a box at random. Look excitedly at the shopper and say “Hey! Let’s try some of these!” Rip into the box and see how fast the now-frightened shopper speeds away from you.

Take Barbie dolls out of little girls’ hands and lick the doll as if trying to remove Barbie’s clothing with your tongue. Then hand it back.

Wear your ugliest clothes. Go into Sak’s Fifth Avenue, or Nieman-Marcus early – right when they open – then stand very still. The hope is that shoppers will believe you are a mannequin. The ultimate hope being that you will discourage them from shopping there in the future. Or who knows, you may start a new fashion fad with those gay-ass clothes of yours.

The next time you check out of a very expensive, very swank hotel, call them from home the following day. Insist on talking to the manager about a possible theft during your stay there. When the manager is brought to the phone, tell him that you’ve only just realized that you are missing your dildo. Describe it to the hotel manager in great detail (veins, elasticity, color, length, etc). Insist that the maid stole your dildo, and then demand its immediate return. Tell him of its great sentimental value and insist at the very least, they Federal Express a new dildo of equal or greater value to you.

Bookstores go to ridiculous lengths to keep their consumers in their stores as long as possible. And it is now a common practice among the book-buying public to read complete novels while sipping lattes at the bookstores’ coffeehouse. But, don’t be afraid to go that extra mile: bring a highlighter! Don’t forget to tear out the magazine articles of interest to you, either.

The next time a serviceman is called to your home, follow him around as he finishes the repair job. Engage him in several humorous stories about how much you love being a good husband and father. When he finally finishes and hands you a receipt after taking your check, tell him you really enjoyed talking to him, and ask if he has time for a cup of coffee. If he declines, ask, “Well, about a blowjob?” (It is vital that you are the only two in the house!)

Ask hookers for change.

Call your local cable television company and tell them to come fix your signal; all your porn channels are coming in scrambled.

If you’re ever handed a pamphlet from a Born Again Christian at an airport, or street corner, or wherever they may be hiding, take it from them gleefully, then throw it to the ground screaming in a deep, gravelly voice: “Jesus Christ! It burns! It burns!”

Don’t just abandon your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot. Be courteous to your fellow shoppers. Put it in one of the handicapped spaces where it belongs.

If you see someone parking in a handicapped space and they don’t have an obvious disability, quiz them about it. Tell them you’re with “Parking Security” and make them run in place or read signs from a distance. Tell them to wait there while you go retrieve your rubber gloves.

Next time you’re annoyed by an whining brat whose mother or father is ignoring them, find the parent. Tell them you’re from the local dairy. Ask them if you can take a picture of their kid for next month’s milk carton.

Engage blind people in lively conversation. Try to drop in the following phrases as often as possible: “Now see here...” and “Look, I see what you’re saying...”

Talk to blind people, pretending you haven’t noticed their disability. When they finally mention it themselves, apologize profusely, then begin talking to them more slowly in a louder voice.

Take items out of other shopper’s carts at the grocery store and put them in your own.

Take your grandmother shopping at Victoria’s Secret.

Remember how all those fans gathered outside John Lennon’s brownstone apartment building in New York when he died and sang Beatles tunes for hours? Next time one of the Beatles gets offed, join the fans and see how many you can get to sing songs by The Rolling Stones.

Make balloon animals in church.

If a restaurant manager casually strolls past your table and asks how everything is...tell him you don’t appreciate his tone. Tell him everything was just fine until he came up and started giving you the goddamn third-degree.

Practice the harmonica on long airline flights.

Try to get really good at projectile vomiting at will. Who knows where or when that might come in handy.

Do all your Christmas shopping at 7-11.

Hire yourself out as a wedding photographer. Have business cards made and everything. Then when you take the pictures, just focus on the bride’s tits. Unless, of course, she’s overweight. Then just focus on her ass. This is especially amusing if you’re videotaping.

Insist on tipping your physician.

Pick a minor celebrity...someone who is good-looking, but talentless. A country western singer with one hit is probably you’re best bet. Don’t stalk them, but do send them fan letters and Christmas presents and birthday cards – for years, if necessary. Then, when the rest of the world has forgotten about them, you just might get them to marry you by preying on their sick need for attention.

Fart audibly in flower shops.

If you’re planning an international flight, pack a lot of clothes made from hemp in your suitcase. See what those fucking dogs make of that.

Call your boss “Sweet Pea” and “Cupcake” at important business meetings. But only if you are both men.

This is only funny if you’re on a first date that is going extremely well...the kind where you both feel as if you’ve found your soul mate, connecting on a deep, almost spiritual level. Turn to your date in the middle of dinner and say: “Look...before this date gets much worse that it already is, why don’t you just give me a blowjob in the Men’s Room and let’s get the evening over with?”

Go to the baggage claim at your city’s airport. Look for someone who is about to pick their luggage off the carousel and grab the luggage handle just before they do. Don’t be belligerent, just insistent that the bag is definitely yours. In a helpful manner, suggest that the bag be opened so you can examine all the contents. Whatever it is inside the bag, say: “Yup, there’s my shirt. And those are my pants, etc.” It is critical that you remain good-natured and friendly throughout the entire exchange.

Attend a meeting at your local NAACP and use the word “niggardly” as much as possible. Be ready with the Webster Dictionary’s definition in case of trouble.

Gift your recovering sex-addict diabetic friends with edible panties.

Anyone can be a taxidermist. Try being a very, very bad one.

Go up to a funeral director and ask: “Who died and left you boss?”

If you’re a diabetic, dress in your shabbiest clothes and head to your community’s nearest dirty needle exchange. When you hand them a dozen used syringes and they hand you a dozen clean ones back, refuse to take it from them. “Shit! More needles? I just GAVE you needles! I got TONS of needles! Why would I want MORE goddamn needles? What I NEED is some motherfucking drugs!”

Experience real love for once in your life so you can learn to fake it better.

Keep calling your stewardess “waitress” throughout a long flight.

Go streaking in a nudist colony.

Brag to your male co-workers about how well you could suck their cock. This is only funny if you’re a man, by the way.

For the ladies: wait until your next love-making session with your husband. At some point stop and examine his penis. Say: “My God, it is small, isn’t it?”

Write a letter to Robert Fulghum, author of Everything I Ever Needed To Learn I Learned In Kindergarten. Tell him how he ruined your life.

Ask your grandmother about her sex life now that “gramps” has died.

Drill a large hole in the wall across from the ladies room toilet at work. Don’t put anything on the other side; just let them wonder.

Bring a hooker to prom.

When a political candidate comes to your home to introduce himself, take a moment to peruse their brochure and the picture of the candidate’s family. Compliment him on his good taste: “Wow, your wife looks like a real piece of ass.” Ask him about his family’s health: “...because from the look of your kids, I’m guessing you married your sister. How many of them are retarded? Boy, I bet the banjo music never stops at your house.” Then ask him his views on local zoning issues.

Women: bring an 11-year-old child to your ten-year High School Reunion. Introduce them to the men you used to date, saying “This is your Daddy, sweetie.”

Use your Oscar acceptance speech to espouse your support for child pornography.

Go jewelry shopping wearing an orange jumpsuit.

Fake spinal cord injuries.

Carjack in the middle of a crowded drive-thru.

If you’re on your deathbed, let your last words be: “The the...” Then die.

Host your next orgy at Chuck E. Cheese.

If you come across a pregnant woman you know moderately well, greet them enthusiastically and comment on the advanced stage of their pregnancy. (“Wow, you must be getting close to your due date...etc.”) Tentatively hold your hand out, palm down, and ask the expecting mother: “Would you mind if know?” When she smiles and nods, reach up and cup one of her breasts instead. Say, “Oh yeah, yeah. You’re really filling out nicely.”

Wear vibrating panties to church.

Do this when approached at a supermarket entrance by a Girl Scout selling cookies. Tell them: “You know, I am hungry. Why, I bet I could eat your whole cookie box! How much would that cost me, to eat your box?” Make sure you’re parked close by.

Okay, okay. If you’re not quite brave enough to try that, do this instead: announce in a very loud voice so all the adults nearby can hear, “Sure, I’ll buy a whole bunch of cookies! But I left my wallet in my van. It’s parked on the far end of the parking lot. Why don’t you walk to it with me?” When the helpful adults suggest to you this is totally inappropriate, turn on them and angrily shout: “What are you saying? I’m a child molester? I’ve never been convicted of child molesting, lady! Never!” Again, it would be a good idea if you’re parked close by.

Next time you’re in a restaurant and the kid behind you turns around to stare you down, start talking about the best pussy you ever ate. This is especially funny if you’re a woman.

I have no idea if dachshund owners refer to their pets as “wiener dogs” like the rest of us, but if any of them ever do in your presence, immediately pick the dog up and hold it in front of you to inspect it’s genitals. Put the dog back down and tell the owner, “Shit, my dick is bigger than that.”

Open a tattoo and piercing parlor and call it “Hey, Fuck Skin.”

Fuck your pets.

Tell your spouse that unless they submit to your request for anal sex, “the terrorists win.” Who knows...maybe he’ll go for it.

If anyone ever asks if they can cut in front of you in line, ask them “Why the fuck can’t you just fart where you’re standing now?”

If people ask you how you are, tell them: “I’m recovering, thanks.” Trust me. That’ll fuck with them.

French kiss the Pope’s ring.

High-five midgets.

At the next Million Man March, walk through the crowd and ask anyone if they’ve seen your wallet. This is funny only if you’re white. Actually, it’s only funny if you’re not the white guy doing it.

What Would Handicapped Jerry Do?

Try to get your wheelchair through a revolving door. Don’t give up so easily.

Loosen the straps on your artificial limbs. Let them fall off in front of small children.

Take out your glass eye at dinner. Moisten it with your breath and wipe it clean the way other people do with their eyeglasses.

Put baseball cards in your wheelchair spokes.

If you’re a terminally-ill child, ask the Make-A-Wish Foundation if your wish can be to have three more wishes.

Or just call the Make-A-Wish Foundation and ask what you can get for a near-death experience.

Quadriplegics: vigorously and vociferously defend your right to use stairs and escalators unassisted.

What Would Addicted Jerry Do?

Show up at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting looking really strung out and smelling of human waste. Tell them that you need help desperately and you’re not sure you have the will power to make it through their program. Demand that they assign no less than two fellow recovering alcoholics to personally assist you with your struggle. Insist that they be the real achievers in the group...

...the very next day, show up for the meeting looking shaved, showered, and refreshed in your best clothes. Apologize for wasting their time the day before. Tell them it was a breeze to “get off the sauce,” and you no longer see what the big deal was all about. Make a good-natured joke about how “only a total loser” would actually have to go through all twelve steps. The hope here is that the staff members will start to question themselves and their own personal struggles with alcoholism and turn back to the bottle for comfort...

...stay and sit through their meeting, chuckling audibly when the others in the group share their own battles with alcohol. Laugh and say, “Nope, that never happened to me,” or “Go crawl back into your bottle, ya bar rag. Stop wasting our time.” Or just talk over them by saying in a low voice, “Loooooooooser.”

Even if you’re not a recovering addict, try to attend the meetings at Sexaholics Anonymous, because I bet their parties are a lot of fun.

What Would Jerry Do In A Health Club?

Take local health clubs up on their free one-week membership offers. When they walk you through the facilities, hop onto the first piece of equipment you come across and try it out with obvious zeal. Before they can stop and show you how to use it properly, scream gutturally in agonizing pain. Tell them you think they broke your back. Threaten legal action.

If a really buff guy in the gym asks you to “spot” him while he lies on his back and does bench presses with really heavy weights, do it. When he gets towards the end of his set, and his arms start shaking as he’s straining to lift the barbell off his chest, pull his shorts down, and suck his cock. Unless, of course, you’re a woman.

Strut around the men’s locker room bragging about how big your cock is. See if you can get someone involved in a contest. Trust me, the other guy’s cock is going to be bigger. But he’ll probably start to laugh and say something like, “I thought you said you had a big cock?” Tell him, “Gee, I guess I just don’t have the same feelings for you that you have for me.”