BillyShakespeare.com: It’s like Shakespeare...only in English.

“Do these shoes make me look fat?” ~ B.S.

The Incomplete Worlds Of Billy Shakespeare | BillyShakespeare.com: It's like Shakespeare...only in English.

Billy Plays With Himself

one-act plays

For centuries, scholars have debated whether William Shakespeare was the true author of the plays and sonnets published in his name. Various theories attribute the actual authorship to one of three other great playwrights: Sir Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe, and Neil Simon.

My discovery in his garden may be the best evidence ever offered to support William Shakespeare’s rightful claim to his great works. The mystery we are now presented with is: who wrote the garbage I found?

Hu’s On First

Dramatis Personae

MISTER YU, a Chinese Alzheimer’s patient

DOCTOR I.M. MEI, the new doctor

EXT. A MEDICAL FACILITY’S LANDSCAPED GROUNDS

A bench next to a pond. In the background we see various people in bathrobes and a sign that says “Beijing Alzheimer’s Care Facility. Where memories last a lifetime.” Sitting on the bench, staring into space, is an elderly Chinese man, MISTER YU, in a bathrobe holding a cane. A younger Chinese man in a white lab coat, DOCTOR MEI, approaches him.

MEI: Good morning.

YU (with a nod of his head): Good morning.

MEI: Do you mind if I sit down? (sits beside MISTER YU and begins to flip back and forth through the pages on his clipboard.) I’m sorry to bother you...it’s just that I’m the new doctor here...Doctor Mei...and I’m having a little trouble finding my patients.

YU: You are still young. You will learn patience as you get older.

MEI (stares blankly for a moment, then laughs): Ha ha. No. You misunderstand. I was just wondering if you could help me identify the patients outside here on the grounds. You, for instance.

YU: Yes.

MEI: What is your name?

YU: Yu!

MEI: Um, I just told you my name. It’s Mei.

YU: Of course it is. You are Mei, and I am Yu.

MEI: That’s...uh...gee. That’s very Zen, actually. But who are you?

YU: This is very poor grammar for an educated man! Yu say: “Who is Yu?” And I say: “Yu is me.”

MEI: Uh...that’s actually worse grammar, isn't it? But, that’s besides the point. I was asking: “Who are you?”

YU: Yes.

MEI: Yes?

YU: Yes.

MEI: Yes, what?

YU: I am me.

MEI: Yes?

YU: Yes.

MEI: Yes, what?

YU (finally turns to stare at the young doctor): Which one of us has Alzheimer’s again? I forget.

MEI: You?

YU: It is wise that you should be so unsure.

MEI: No. You kept saying my name! (Fingering the name badge on his lab coat.) My name is Mei. I.M. Mei. Are you...(checking his clipboard)...Yu? Am I speaking to Yu?

YU: It is me you are speaking to.

MEI: You mean: Yu is speaking to Mei?

YU (chastising): Such grammar! And you call yourself a doctor? No! I am speaking to you. You are speaking to me!

MEI (shaking his head to clear the confusion): Wait a minute. You are Yu, are you not?

YU: No. I am me. You are you.

DOCTOR MEI is now slightly befuddled and double-checks his clipboard, flipping pages back and forth.

MEI: No, wait. Are you Mister Yu?

YU: No need for formality. Call me “Yu.” And what should I call Mei?

MEI: I am Mei. Doctor I.M. Mei.

YU: Yes, and I am me...patient. There is no need to repeat yourself. But what is your name?

MEI: Mei!

YU: Yes, you. Of course, you. Who else would you be except you? Who else would I be except me?

MEI: You are Yu. And I am Mei.

YU: It is so.

MEI: No. I...you know what? Never mind. If you’re not Yu, I need to find Yu. (Pointing to another patient in the distance.) Is that Yu?

YU: No. He is not me.

MEI: No, I am Mei. Is that Yu?

YU: Ah. I see your confusion. No. He is not Yu. You are Mei!

MEI: My confusion?! Look...that man over there! What’s his name?

YU: Hu.

MEI: That man over there.

YU: Hu.

MEI: HIM! THAT GUY OVER THERE!

YU: Hu.

MEI (shouting): Who is that guy over there?!

YU: It is so.

MEI (checking clipboard): So? I don’t see anyone named So.

YU: So...he does not exist.

MEI: So?

YU: No.

MEI: So who is he?

YU: It is so.

MEI: You just said there is no So! So who is he.

YU: Yes.

MEI: Yes, what? What are you talking about? Who is he?

YU: It is so.

MEI (checking clipboard): I don’t see a So. I see a Siu. Is he Siu?

YU (points to another man): No. He is Siu.

MEI: He’s who?

YU (pointing another direction): No. He is Hu!

MEI: How should I know who he is?

YU: Because I told you it is he.

MEI (checking clipboard): Hee? There is a Hee here. Who is Hee again?

YU: Sometimes Hu forgets and thinks he is, yes. Hu forgets who he is and who Hee is.

MEI: Who does?

YU: It is so.

MEI: So? You said it wasn’t So.

YU: Why would it not be so? Of course it so.

MEI (flipping through the clipboard): But I don’t have a So on my list. How can it be So?

YU: Because it is not there.

MEI (pulling his hair now): Alright, I get it. You’re either a Zen master, or a fucking idiot. You know what...I can’t do this. I’ve been talking to you for ten minutes trying to figure out who everyone is, and I don’t even know about you!

YU: All you have to do is ask.

MEI: Ask you about who?

YU: We can talk about Hu, if you like. But I thought you wanted to know about me.

MEI: Why would I ask you about me?

YU: You would not ask me about you. You would ask Yu about me.

MEI: Great. More Zen teachings. Alright, I’ve had it with you, you goddamn talking fortune cookie. (Throws clipboard into the pond.) You hear me?

YU: Yu listens to Mei now.

MEI: Alright. I’m listening! (long pause) Well?!

YU: Well what?

MEI: What do you have to say?

YU: Yu says nothing.

MEI: Who says nothing?

YU (craning his neck to peer at the patient named Hu): Hu also says nothing that I can tell.

MEI (stares for a long time at YU...visibly seething): You know what? No fucking Jell-O for you tonight, Buddha.

DOCTOR MEI storms off leaving Yu as we found him...sitting on his bench, holding his cane, gazing at nothing in particular. It is very quiet for a few moments, then...

YU: I don’t even like Jell-O, fuckpig.