BillyShakespeare.com: It’s like Shakespeare...only in English.

“I shaved my back for this?!” ~ B.S.

The Incomplete Worlds Of Billy Shakespeare | BillyShakespeare.com: It's like Shakespeare...only in English.

B.S. Spewing Forth

the quotable billy shakespeare

William Shakespeare was perhaps this century’s most prolific writer. Known to his mates at the pub as “Billy” (and to the local prostitutes as “Ben Johnson”), Shakespeare wrote his first sonnet on the wall of a men’s room at the age of thirteen. When it was argued by critics to be really no more than a dirty limerick and frankly, one they had heard before, he flew into an outrage.

When his outrage landed hours later at Heathrow Airport, he had moved on to writing plays, and had already finished several of them including: “Romeo & Juliet & Ted & Alice,” “The Merchant of Venice Beach,” and “The Odd Couple.”

Whether they were woven into prose or layered in the iambic pentameter of his plays, Shakespeare’s words have inspired readers for centuries. Here are some that didn’t.

There’s no such thing as failure, only feedback. If you weren’t such a goddamn loser who completely fucks up everything they attempt, you’d know that.

Codependency sucks! If it weren’t for my life partner, I don’t know how I’d deal with it.

Insanity doesn’t run in my family. It runs FROM my family.

I’m so ugly, even the Mona Lisa won’t look at me.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, true...but you really should ask somebody else to pick you up from the airport next time.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Maybe start with that bulging equator, for instance.

I quit Weight Watchers because I had nothing left to lose and nothing more to gain.

Don’t just “seize the day.” Pin it down and fuck it’s ass while telling it how pretty it’s sister is.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. You CAN drown them in it, though.

My ship just came in and it’s the Titanic.

I’m so fat and lazy, I don’t even exercise good judgment.

I think it’s time to eject your Life Coach from the game.

I know you think I’m a fool for bringing a knife to a gun fight, but in the interest of full disclosure, I thought it was a fist fight.

Man, you’re like a bridge under troubled water, you know that?

Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power. And masturbating others is just good, kinky fun.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat…but not too many things to do with a skinned cat.

I’m looking for a woman who surely loves kids, ’cus I surely hate condoms.

I’m not necessarily saying I have a huge cock, but I do have two inseam measurements.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m saying you’re stupid.

I think, therefore I am. I think you’re an idiot, therefore you are.

My God, you got fat! What did you do, join Whale Watchers?

I came. I saw. I conquered. Sorry about the dress.

You can’t take it with you, but you can make your children dig for it.

I may be schizophrenic, but I’m in good company.

Fuck you and anyone who looks like me!

Your flash of insight must have a dimmer switch.

I gotta be me. Apparently.

Good things come in small packages. But then, so do child molesters.

I’m not laughing AT you. I’m laughing WITH everyone else who is laughing at you.

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was a fucking idiot.

That which does not kill me better have someone else start their car in the mornings.

The waitress always served a secret smile...but what made me nervous is when the cook used to laugh his ass off for no apparent reason.

All’s well that ends well. And then you die.

I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I just need it to have a good time with you.

Don’t let the little dick do the thinking for the big dick.

It’s a small world after all. Thanks to you, fat ass.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. So don’t forget to take your jacket.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Oh, and the Chupacabra.

Actually, I’m a whore in the kitchen, too.

I’ll sleep when you’re dead.

You can say I have issues with women. But what do you know? You’re just the dead hooker in my trunk.

Laughter helps to hide the pain, but you’re going to need a bag of lye to dissolve the bodies.

It’s not a crime to be lonely. It’s when you duct-taped the girl scout and threw her in your trunk that you crossed the line.

It must be puppy love, ’cus she's acting like a bitch.

If looks could kill, you'd be pausing to reload about now.

Aristotle said “the unexamined life is not worth living.” But then, he never read your blog.

Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a better path to your door. But, truly, the sledgehammer was already invented.

When I fuck a woman, she stays fucked. I knock her up and leave town.

Blondes have more fun. Just not with you.

Live every day as if it were your last...run around a lot screaming and waving your arms.

Wow. What happened to her? She used to be hot! Man, she hit the wall harder than Dale Earnhardt.

I’m so fat I’m getting diet tips from Gilbert Grape’s mother.

There’s no such thing as a stupid question, but only someone as stupid as you would have asked that.

Yes, I’m schizophrenic, but it beats living alone.

I know you think I’m driving you crazy...but, really, it was such a short trip, you could have walked.

I’ve been drinking Diet Coke for years now and, you know what? I don’t think it’s working.

Whoever dies with the most toys will probably feel like a fucking idiot for not spending more of that money on medicine.

As breakups go, ours was anything but smooth, but she did make me a wonderful dinner last night. Now if only I could figure out what to do with the rest of her body.

Nature abhors a vacuum, which might explain why you always get such a headache whenever you go camping.

My body is a temple. See? It lies in ruins.

I use the “rhythm method” of birth control. If a woman tells me I got her pregnant, I beat her.

My cock can tell the temperature in Antarctica. Right now it’s twelve below.

When I die, I want a traditional Christian burial. I want to be fed to lions.

Doesn’t it bother you that the crap you just bought at the “99-Cent” store isn’t even worth a measly buck?

What is the sound of one hand clapping? The enthusiastic applause I receive after masturbating.

I’m as nervous as Anne Frank with a bad case of hiccups!

It is true that when one points a finger in blame they point three back at themselves. Not true with knives.

You can’t judge a book by it’s cover. But you can tell how much they’re worth.

No one wants to die alone. Take somebody with you.

Why should I practice safe sex? I’m the one holding the gun.

End the cycle of domestic abuse. Knock the bitch out with one punch.

My wife is so pissed off at me, Jesus will come again before I do.

My wife told me she wanted me to talk dirty to her in bed. So I told her to shut the fuck up and go to sleep.

Yes, your future’s so bright you could wear shades, but most people just squint into the glare of oncoming headlights.

My husband wants me to tell him when I’m close to having an orgasm, but shit...I don’t always have my cell phone handy.

You stepped on my blue suede shoes? You actually stepped on my blue suede shoes?! Are you out of your goddamn mind? Motherfucker, I am going to kill you!

If you won’t use sex as a weapon, will you at least call me names while I jack off?

I’m looking for a woman who is just as comfortable in a pair of old blue jeans as she is in a duffle bag.

Sex between two people can be a beautiful thing. But between you and me, I don’t see how that’s going to be possible.

While it’s true that only 10% of the human brain’s potential is ever realized, the remaining 90% mostly involves its use as a recipe ingredient.

She had absolutely no sense of humor. She couldn’t make something funny come out of her mouth if she were giving a clown a blowjob.

The only thing sadder than the tears of a clown is, quite frankly, your cock.

Flush with the success of my self-help books titled “Women Are From Venus, Men Giggle At The Word Uranus” and “I’m Okay And You’re Not, But I’m Okay With That,” I’ve begun working on a new diet book called “Live Longer By Eating Healthy, Or Eat Shit And Die.”

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. But if you keep licking me there, I guarantee the flesh will catch up pretty quick.

Like the Hindus say: “Same shit, different life.”

You couldn’t be a bigger idiot if you were taller.

With a big enough lever, it’s said, one can move the world. If you should ever find that lever, I want you to take it...and shove it up your ass.

If you insist on giving me a piece of your mind, it better come with the rest of your head.

The heart wants what the heart wants. It’s just a coincidence that it’s always eighteen-year old blondes with big tits, pouty lips, and a firm, tight ass. Really.

Trust you? I wouldn’t trust you as far as I could push you down a stairwell.

Did you know your mother uses oral contraception? Yeah, I cum in her mouth.

What part of incomprehensible do you not understand?

Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse. Or two.

Are the rainbows in your world edible?

Let a smile be your umbrella. I like the way your nipples get all hard and stick out when your t-shirt gets wet.

I once cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes, and I’m feeling much better now, thanks.

You’re as useless as the letter “Q” in an M&M Factory.

Why do people always say “God bless you” when you sneeze, but just the opposite when you vomit on them?

She had a body made for sin. Gluttony.

My marriage counselor says my wife and I should go out on more dates. I agree that’s important...but it’s just so hard for me to meet women.

What part of “fuck you” do you not understand?

Children should be beaten and not heard.

There’s nothing wrong with a man telling another man that he loves him per se, but frankly I’d feel more at ease about the whole thing if you were wearing pants.

My dick isn’t small. It’s “fun-sized.”

There’s a fine line between a “man who’s good with kids” and a child molester. Fortunately, they both look the same from a distance.

She gave better head than Jayne Mansfield.

Hey, Colonel Sanders...finger this and lick it good!

How’d you like the starring role in a snuff film?

I’m a firm believer in death after life.

Do I mind if you smoke? Buddy, I don’t care if you explode.

Are you seeking medical help? Are they seeking you?

I’ve always been a sucker for big tits.

You’ve wet your bed, now lie in it!

I’m a little depressed. I just buried my grandmother on Monday. We had to bury her on Monday...because she was dead. Or dying. Who can remember what the doctors said at at time like that...

Same shit, different asshole.

You’re right. It is a dirty job, and someone has to do it. But you got picked because no one likes you.

Make like a turkey and gobble me.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean we’re not all plotting behind your back to kill you.

Every day is a drag when you’re a cross dresser.

Is there anything more annoying than the laughter of little children? No, I don’t think so, either.

My inner child wets the bed and lights fires.

Nobody likes me. Even my letter from the Publisher’s Clearing House says “You May Already Be A Loser.”

Fut the shuck up.

There are an infinite number of universes that exist parallel to our own. Unfortunately, you’re a big, fat loser in all of them.

I’m not yelling at you...I’m yelling with you.

Ninety-percent of all American men masturbate. The other ten-percent aren’t married.

There is life after death. Unfortunately, this is it.

Did you hear the one about the near-sighted proctologist who kept offering his patients breath mints?

Why don’t you ever answer any of my rhetorical questions?

Why aren’t the Gold Medalists from The Special Olympics ever used in commercial endorsements?

If you’re fishing for compliments, what are you using as bait?

You may prefer to remain wistful and wax nostalgic about the “good ol’ days,” but you have to admit the porn's gotten a lot better.

I once knew a woman with no legs. She was pretty hip.

I worry that dyslexic children are telling Satan what they want for Christmas.

I’m so fat, the last time I went on a diet I ended world hunger.

If you’re not going to use your fifteen minutes of fame, you mind if I borrow them?

If it’s fixed, why not break it?

High school wasn’t my best subject. The only A’s I ever got were in my prom date’s bra.

I’m not ashamed of my body. I leave that up to other people.

You’re more irritating than a pair of wool panties, you know that?

You know, if you had anything on your mind, it would be a hat.

Why buy the milk when you can fuck the cow for free?

Some people have accused me of being ignorant and apathetic. I don’t know if that’s true, and frankly I don’t care if it is.

Are you listening to what other people are telling you? Or are you just a very gifted psychic?

The largest sexual organ on the human body is the brain. At least, it is on my body.

It’s not always easy to do the right thing...but it is consistently boring.

I really gotta lay off the cybersex. My wife says my hard drive is becoming microsoft.

Kill them with kindness. If that doesn’t work, kill them by any means at your disposal.

Remember when safe sex meant you didn’t give her your real last name?

I only paint portraits now, but I used to be a photographer. I’m the artist formerly known for prints.

Women may claim to want a man who isn’t afraid to cry, but just try that at a business meeting.

I had a learning disability in school. I was stupid.

I knew a man who was so mean, he ate pussy with a fork.

If it’s true that the candles that burn brightest burn briefest, then you must be immortal.

Same shit, different millennium.

I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex with her. She said, “Oh, you mean the missionary position?” I said, “No, I mean anal sex.” She said, “No, you mean the missionary position, because you don’t have a prayer of fucking me in the ass.”

My dick is so small I get embarrassed in the men’s room just washing my hands.