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“My parents confessed to me that I was a ‘mistake,’ but they only recently realized it.” ~ B.S.

The Incomplete Worlds Of Billy Shakespeare | BillyShakespeare.com: It's like Shakespeare...only in English.

Billy Plays With Himself

one-act plays

The Scam Artist

Dramatis Personae

BOY 1, the student predator

BOY 2, the worldly tutor

GIRL, the prey

CURTAIN RISES

We open with two teenage males approaching center stage. They come to a stop and begin talking.

BOY 1: But there’s no girls here!

BOY 2: We just got here. Give ‘em a chance.

BOY 1 (whiny): Oh, I don’t know about this...

BOY 2 (pointing to GIRL who has just made her entrance on stage): Look, there’s a girl over there.

BOY 1: Are you kidding? She’s too cute. I was thinking maybe, you know, I should start off smaller.

BOY 2: You wanna start off small? There’s a playground across the street. You wanna be a man? Then there’s your prey. Now, what are you? A man...or a mouse?

BOY 1 (after a long pause): Can’t I be both?

BOY 2: No! Now...do you remember everything I taught you about women?

BOY 1: Most of it, but I still have those note cards you gave me in case I get stuck.

BOY 1 holds up a stack of index cards as proof.

BOY 2: Good. Now...

BOY 2 grabs BOY 1’s shoulders from behind and pushes him hard toward GIRL.

BOY 2: Sic her, tiger!

BOY 1 (now standing casually next to GIRL): Uh...ah...um...

BOY 1 checks his note cards.

BOY 1: Uh... “What’s cookin’, good-lookin’?”

BOY 1 smiles pleasantly at GIRL, but the smile is washed away quickly by GIRL’s horrified reaction.

GIRL (horrified): You men are all alike!

GIRL faces him, blocking audience’s view of BOY 1, and knees him in the groin, then turns back to her former posture. BOY 1 stays doubled-over for a moment, his note cards lie strewn about the stage. He then walks back to BOY 2 while still crouching.

BOY 2 (impressed): Hey, I think she likes you!

BOY 1 (now speaking in a high-pitched Mickey Mouse voice): Are you kidding me?

BOY 1 straightens up, coughs, then speaks in a normal voice once again.

BOY 1: Are you kidding me?

BOY 2: You’re doin’ pretty good first time Out. Keep at it. Keep scammin’ on her.

BOY 1 just stares at BOY 2 incredulously and BOY 2 is forced to push him again.

BOY 2: Come on, you animal. Show her no mercy.

BOY 1 shuffles painfully toward GIRL. Midway he speaks.

BOY 1: I hope I can still have children.

He begins picking up note cards near GIRL’s feet. She reaches down to grab him by his collar, lifts him to a standing position, and begins to yell at him.

GIRL: Now what do you want, jerk?

BOY 1 (looks quickly at a note card, caught off-guard): Uh...um...was it good for you, too?

GIRL wheels him around until she once again is blocking him from audience view.

BOY 1 senses what is about to happen and speaks.

BOY 1 (slowly at first): Oh...my...

GIRL knees him in his nuts and BOY 1 finishes his sentence quickly and again in a Mickey Mouse voice.

BOY 1: ...GOD!!!

BOY 1 drops to his knees and looks over to BOY 2 with a pitiable expression on his face. BOY 2 smiles and gives him a thumbs-up sign. He then holds up three fingers and mouths the words “use number three” with his lips. BOY 1 signals back with an okay sign and begins looking for his number three note card on the ground. Finding it, he reads from it to GIRL standing over him.

BOY 1: Would you like to come back to my place?

GIRL (smiling suddenly): Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?

GIRL bends over to help BOY 1 off the ground.

GIRL: I think you should know something, though. I have crabs.

BOY 1 (smiling too): That’s okay. I’m good with animals.

GIRL (as they begin walking away arm-in-arm): And I also have AIDS.

BOY 1: Aids? Whaddaya mean? Like vibrators and stuff?

Everyone exits happily as the...

CURTAIN FALLS.